“Yeah but what are we?” He said. The words people always joke about but they aren’t very funny when you’re on the receiving end. I had just returned home from a 4 month trip abroad, to which my ex boyfriend and I had decided to take a break while I was away. After my tedious journey home all I wanted to do was have a shower and curl up in bed by myself, a ritual I had become accustomed to during my travels – being by myself. When I arrived back at my home I instantly fell on my bed and passed out. When I woke 3 hours later I had several messages from my ex, he didn’t understand why he wasn’t my first priority when I got home. I had become so used to this feeling, enjoying my own company, feeling content with solitude. It was an amazing and humbling feeling and one I think everyone should learn to embrace at some point in their lives.
So, I got dressed and went straight over to his house. I instantly fell out of the feeling of liking my own solitude and started to rely my happiness on him again, and if there is one thing that I’ve learned hurts a lot more getting my heart broken, it’s realising how much of myself I lost during my relationship and how much I gave to him. We were on again and off again for about two weeks before he wanted to end thing for good, and, humiliatingly, I became a complete wreck. For a while I was no more than a shell of what I used to be. When I was overseas I truly flourished into the type of young woman I wanted to be when I was a little girl, but I lost sight of all of that over a guy. My mental health was rapidly declining and I almost got fired from one of my jobs for not being focused enough. I was so heart broken that I’d lost my best friend and lover but I was more heart broken that I’d lost myself.
I didn’t want to be this girl, the one who looks at his Facebook page to see if there’s a new girl in his life, or the one who desperately tries to ‘run into’ him on a night out with friends, ‘where’s ****? Have you guys seen ****?’ Because maybe, just maybe if you run into him you can tell him how much you’ve missed him and he’ll see that little bit of weight you lost and he will take you back. Don’t. Don’t be like me.
Slowly but surely, and with the help of beautiful friends, I learnt how to love myself again. I started going out again, but instead of wanting to run into my ex I just wanted to hold hands with my friend and dance. Instead of checking his Facebook regularly I logged out for a few hours and talked to my parents about real life. I played games with my friends online and laughed and how lame we were. I started to write again and re-read my favourite book.
What I’m trying to say is heartbreak is no doubt one of the most awful things to endure, but you can’t let it define you. Without them leaving you, maybe you wouldn’t find out that you love to write, or you’re actually quite good at pool. And one day someone will come along that will make you question why you let yourself get to worked up over your ex. But I understand, it’s because you loved them. But you need to love yourself more.
Author – Anonymous